Being a Carer: Beth’s Story

Beth is a carer for her mum, who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder (a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others) and Fibromyalgia ( a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body.)

Anndeloris, CEO of Bristol Black Carers spoke to Beth about her caring duties, her most valuable lessons learned and advice that she’d give to others in similar positions.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: Hi Beth, how long have you been a carer?

Beth: I have been caring for / supporting my mum on and off since the age of 7. I guess I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing, and it was only recently that I learned how much I had carried over the years. I’m 25 now and I have been supporting my mum with various mental health issues.

Due to severe unresolved trauma, she was diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) a couple of years ago. I am proud and relieved that she finally got the diagnosis, as we were always convinced that she had Bipolar Disorder. It’s a complex mental health issue, and it deserves the utmost compassion and understanding.

Thankfully, her mental health is in a better place now than when I was growing up and within the early years of my 20’s. I am the eldest of 3, and my mum has always been a single parent, as the eldest, it felt natural to me to emotionally support her as much as possible.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: What do you do outside of caring?

Beth: I have my own freelance business, which I’m really proud of. I work with black-owned and diversity-driven businesses/charities and support them with digital marketing. Though my mum has been poorly, she has been the closest person to me and has always encouraged me to pursue my passions through the difficult times.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety due to my own trauma, and with the responsibility of carrying so much on my shoulders - it hasn’t always been easy to stay on track with studying. I was kicked out of college after my first year due to low attendance and low grades, which in hindsight, had a lot to do with withdrawing and wanting to be at home with my mum to support her.

When I was 20 I had been out of work for a while, so I decided to do an apprenticeship in social media marketing and it all went from there. Having this job and being able to support other amazing businesses is a dream come true.

I see now that going at my own pace and choosing not to go to uni due to other responsibilities was okay and it worked for my situation.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: What do your caring duties involve?

Beth: Active listening, and mainly being there for my mum when she is suffering. It involves a lot of empathising and riding the waves as they come. It’s only in my 20’s that I have developed the skills to support her consistently. Though I have always had natural empathy, growing up was difficult when I was becoming a teenager and my mum and I would clash when I became confused about our roles, as I sometimes felt like ‘the parent’.

Mum has had several nervous breakdowns and struggles with processing certain emotions, and over the years, regardless of where I am or what I am doing, I have been the main point of call. Not always physically, but I have needed to reply by text, to let her know that I’m there, otherwise she can go into downward spirals.

I make phone calls for my mum, I attend appointments with her, I help her write letters, organise medication, I support her with the care of my younger brother who is 10, I support her financially when needed, as well as emotional care when she has found it hard to cope. Though I do not live with my family anymore, I talk with and see them as often as I can.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: What’s the most important thing you’ve learned since caring?

Beth: That caring is something to take pride in. It’s not something to resist - it’s something to accept. I used to subconsciously resist the role, when I entered my late teens and wanted my own life, I went through a period of rejecting the relationship with my mum due to her being in a bad place, and making me feel incredibly anxious and low. I wasn’t aware of the term carer and I see that I had mixed feelings.

I didn’t know how to deal with it anymore, and it felt like I had been coping alone for so long, I wanted to run from my emotions towards the situation.

I now know that this wasn’t the wrong thing to do, I just had no support myself. The most valuable lesson I have learned is - if I take care of myself well, recognise my own emotions and tune in to my own needs first and foremost, I can be the best version of myself, the version that can be the best support to my mum when she needs it.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: Do you have any advice for other carers in your position?

Beth: Keep a diary if you can. I have kept journals for 5 years, and it has essentially acted as therapy for me. Through good and bad times I have honestly noted my feelings, for me it is a release, and helps me understand everything better.

Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy and don’t feel bad about it. You deserve time and space.

Also, remember that you are not alone and that support is out there. It can be very hard to ask for help, to even recognise that you’re a carer in the first place - reach out to those you trust, and those who may be in a similar position. Sometimes, one kind word can make me feel instantly less alone. Know that it’s okay to feel vulnerable.

Anndeloris of Bristol Black Carers: What’s your favourite part about caring?

Beth: The bond it builds. My mum and I have been through some really difficult times, where we have both felt like giving up - but we have helped each other through it. Though I have needed to grow up quickly and take on a lot of emotional responsibility, it has taught me so much about people. I believe my relationship with my mum has enabled me to help friends in difficult positions, to really connect with people and form closer relationships.

It isn’t always that way, I have suffered with down days due to our relationship and the strain it’s had on me, but I have learned that ‘everything comes in waves’, and all feelings are temporary, taking care of yourself in the moment, and just taking some deep breaths can be so helpful.

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If you are a carer seeking support or advice, please visit our information page or get in touch.